thoughts from the shallow end

week end update :
— started 3 pages, but i don't know what i did with 2 of them? and i can't remember what they were? GDI

— muse 'pressure' — UCLA marching band ver.
— kontrust 'bomba'
— the prodigy 'the day is my enemy'

... but most of all :

... re-re-re-re-re-etc. watching edward scissorhands in support of johnny depp convincing the world he has scissors for hands.

still one of my all time favourites. even before its release, i tore everything i could out of magazines [where would i have been without smash hits, empire, Q, the face, sky magazine —and the 'kilo store'] screeching not-just-internally when i found the poster at a flea market. ohhh and 'edward's theme' from the film score — it was on practically every radio mixtape.

eddie was drawn in a ~3.5 hour session, using HB on previously used copy paper. it was the first time i had ever drawn more than a vague sketch; this too wasn't meant to be more than a sketchy thing —i am still stunned. i have a deadbeat muse, but she gives me the best close-enough-to-my-birthday presents. photocopied it and stuck it to my school case so i could look at it all day.

what i'm saying is, i really got into edward scissorhands with a ferociousness; and while it is no longer obsessive, my love for this story and its telling is still strong.

thanks, amber heard, for giving me all the serotonin. it worked.

... tell me you're 3 bags full of childhood trauma masquerading as a person without telling me you're 3 bags full of childhood trauma masquerading as a person

    

week end update :
— 7 pages started : 0 pages finished

— blood red shoes on repeat
— brains are the worst. can't even focus enough to read
— ferret videos are the best! serotonin-flavoured instant noodles

... #blessed to have the liar in my brain chemistry telling me everything i do is shit and i should just delete it all. need to be smarter than my decaying grey matter and find something i can start AND finish; something that doesn't require masses of text formatting and image editing —lol as if i've ever had an idea like that in my entire #cursed life

... living —surviving — with a mental illness is hard, and it's a pretty safe generalisation to make that everybody knows this, because everybody either has, or is close to someone who has, a mental illness of some kind. having one of the Big Name disorders is really hard. bipolar mood swings are a fucking trip; a very, very, BAD trip, where you don't get to talk to god, but you do get to talk to the monster under your bed —and it is so very hungry. so, as of today, it's depression town again, after the longest run of good days i've had in... forever. three months of good days. three. months. it's unreal! that's how many consequtive days i haven't wanted to die at least a little bit, for as long as i can remember. i... functioned, and... did stuff... and had a sleep schedule. but this is like running full tilt into an invisible mountain. and now i sit here, with little tweeting blue birds circling my head, hoping this is just a mole hill in disguise.

... LOOK AT THIS SMOL LOAF IT IS SO SMOL IT FITS IN MY HAND I CAN CRADLE IT LIKE A PUPPY [i can neither confirm nor deny that i did] sits like a rock though; like eating 3 slice at once.

the rest of little northern bakehouse's products are great, their wide slice whole and white look and smell and taste and feel REAL BREAD that you can eat FRESH even after a whole WEEK. it's goddamn sorcery is what it is.

much like my new tech though, the ancient grain loaf is smol, disgustingly over-priced, and an all-round disappointment. ths first i can toss, the other, not so much. gotta keep choking it down til i like the taste.

week end update :
— ego about page pieces slowly coming together
— tarot about page pieces slowly coming together
— gallery pages... still need direction
— recipes still fighting me. it's the editing. and i don't have images, which is pretty much half the point with recipes and it's pissing me off because i have no way of rectifying this. and will my poor music page ever see the light of day? luckily code has a fairly long shelf-life.

— still utterly in love with måneskin
— unicorn skull punch is heeeeeeeere
— spent a solid half hour watching the new washing machine do its space-age thing —poor people tv ftw. being an adult is incredibly glamorous and rewarding. do recommend
— and it turns out i'm allergic to fresno peppers. like, INSTANTLY allergic. the more you know!


... accidentally wrote just under 3000 words on compulsion magic, particularly as it relates to certain magical bloodlines being more compelling, and others being more easily compelled. explains how dark lords etc. could rise to power so easily, and why some families are more fiercely devoted than others.

then i ate an entire tray of lasagna. what a day to be alive!

... accidentally wrote nearly 14000 words out of nowhere today. a new story, of course. why would finish one of the 101 others malingering in my drafts folder? not too bad for being stable in the head cave, seeing as i clock ~25K during a full hypomanic episode — and that's without sleep. i don't even want to ask scrivener to tell me the grand total damages in word count of all my plot bunnies; i'll cry. a lot.

because i said it, i had to look it up : ~150K words of uncontrolled HPverse bunny breeding, averaging
1500 for an idea
3500 for a few scenes
8000+ for several scenes trying desperately to become a real boy story. thought it'd be worse tbh

... i am -this- close to finished editing the hogwaters page, but... the html process — glarrrh. how soon we forget. trying to catch all the symbols that have to be replaced is a nightmare. and there's still the bonus images i've convinced my self are 100% absolutely vital, to be created. love that goddamn header image though, holy shit. there are probably close to 20 images in there, all cut up and rearranged to picture book perfection.

... once again, my patented depression treatment comes through! seems all i need is an obscene amount of sugar, salt, grease and protein all in one go and i'm suddenly healed! twice is a coincidence, but if this works a third time, then it's a win, even if it's just my brain doing all it can to keep me alive through the processed horror. fuck you, arsehole. now you know how it feels.

i don't have a degree in medicine, but i do have a double-degree in bullshit and suffering™ so here's the magic formula :
— triple cheese burger from DQ, no bun NO PICKLE
— large MckyD's fries
— small DQ choc mint blizzard


ALL AT ONCE — very important. i'm convinced it's the near-death experience that trigures the brain into reevaluating its priorities.

... when you spend 5 minutes wondering if your brother's sent you a bizarre suicide note, but it's just a poop joke

... due to a use-it-or-lose-it situation, i am getting an ipad. in an incredible show of generosity on apple's part, you get free engraving. i named mine —in the universal language of emoji — unicorn skull punch. it's the name of my band. and my vagina.

... i'm never going to blog the way i used to again — i have far too many other more creative and productive things to do, and really, the web now is hardly conducive to true old skool blogging. i used to run a blog purely for sharing links. i'd trawl the internet and offer up what intrigued and amused me most, posting a bunch of links at least 3 times a week. fresh content. 3 times a week. i couldn't do that now if i tried.

so all hail neocities for trying to bring a little piece of that back to life. fuck the homogenisation of everything.